Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
Why does a blonde smile during a lighting storm?
Because she think, that picture being taking.
What's the blondes idea of safe s*x?
Locking the car door
17 blonds stand out side a workout room, why don't they go in
The sign says must be 18 to enter
How do you know if a blonde has been in your car???
The gear stick is wet.
A black man is talking to a blond white woman.
"If we ever have kids, what will they look like?"
The blond white women says, "They will be zebras."
What did the blonde say when she found she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Girls Night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Thank God am drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Do not disturb
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
All men are dogs
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
'I'm afraid I don't have a husband' she replies.
'OK do you have a boyfriend?' asks the Midwife.
'No, no boyfriend either.'
'Do you have a partner then?'
'No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.'
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
'You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.'
'Well,' replies the girl. 'I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black.'
'Oh, I'm very sorry,' says the midwife, 'that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.'
'Well yes,' the girl again replies, 'you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?'
'Oh, I'm sorry,' the midwife repeats, 'that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.'
'Well yes,' continues the girl, 'I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.'
At this the midwife again apologies, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, 'Well thank fuck for that!'
'What do you mean?' says the shocked midwife.
'Well,' says the girl extremely relieved, 'I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!'
'I'm afraid I don't have a husband' she replies.
'OK do you have a boyfriend?' asks the Midwife.
'No, no boyfriend either.'
'Do you have a partner then?'
'No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.'
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
'You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.'
'Well,' replies the girl. 'I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black.'
'Oh, I'm very sorry,' says the midwife, 'that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.'
'Well yes,' the girl again replies, 'you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?'
'Oh, I'm sorry,' the midwife repeats, 'that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.'
'Well yes,' continues the girl, 'I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.'
At this the midwife again apologies, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, 'Well thank fuck for that!'
'What do you mean?' says the shocked midwife.
'Well,' says the girl extremely relieved, 'I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!'
The Bitch in the Kitchen
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
From Mom with love
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Can you please a woman ???
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Monday, March 8, 2010
Nkt!!!!!!
The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY
True story
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
ive for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Colin was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Colin,
"but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin "Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just
about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting
"Colin, wake up you drunk bastard, you are shitting in the bed!!!"
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
ive for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Colin was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Colin,
"but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin "Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just
about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting
"Colin, wake up you drunk bastard, you are shitting in the bed!!!"
Funny Kimberly
Kimberly died and went to heaven.
When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that
new rules are in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order
to gain admittance each soul must answer two simple questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
Kimberly thought for a few minutes and answered.
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said,
'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'
Kimberly replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd, etc...'
Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.
When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that
new rules are in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order
to gain admittance each soul must answer two simple questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
Kimberly thought for a few minutes and answered.
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said,
'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'
Kimberly replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd, etc...'
Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.
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